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“What occurred to you? You was such an inspiration,” a school pal says, pumping the keg at a weekend BBQ. I rattle off about initiatives in improvement earlier than quitting mid-sentence. We each know discussing my slate fails to hide that, spiritually, I’m a shell of myself. Writing and filmmaking have completely saved my life, however at what price? The sport is rigged! I’ve did not course of this as a result of I’m burnt out. Perhaps it’s millennial angst. Or maybe it’s hormones raging from “the abortion.” Who aborts the child of a multi-millionaire? The day after my appointment, I opened my laptop computer and let it rip. It was that or kill myself—as an alternative of a child, a TV pilot was born.
As I hammered away, wiping again tears, I lastly heard my “voice” fill the room, neutralizing the vacancy and despair. This pilot was the very best factor I’d ever written. Over two years and dozens of Zoom calls, I’d be taught that business people understood how I felt that evening. It was refreshing after years of Hollywood rejection as a result of all I wished once I turned a author was to be heard.
In Spring 2017, I arrived in LA to work on a TV present I’d adopted within the press. My pleasure was instantly extinguished by one other author within the foyer. He bluntly knowledgeable me it was sheer newbie’s luck that I used to be sharing the identical area as him. This dialog I didn’t ask for would set the tone for my Hollywood expertise for the following seven years.
I’ll name the principle victimizer “Bossman” or “Dr. Jekyll” and “Mr. Hyde”. He noticed my weak spot from day one, skimming my one-page resume as my nervous knee bobbed. He noticed I had no actual assist, a transplant with a unfavourable checking account. He noticed my innocence and naive belief in anybody promising to assist make my goals come true. My complete identification was formed by my mother’s loss of life weeks earlier than my highschool cotillion. The vultures cosplaying as household and
pals desecrated and dismantled us, leaving my siblings and me for lifeless, actually lower than a couple of hours after my mother took her final breath. In that foyer, he noticed all of it. Over time, he’d consult with that second usually, fondly smiling at what gave the impression to be his greatest catch to this point.
I’d solely agreed to be a private assistant if I acquired day off for movie endeavors. Whereas fulfilling each day duties—scheduling, packing, meals orders, juice runs, wake-up calls, staff babysitter—I’d trade inspiration with Bossman. He’d reference humanity’s genius from these conversations in his work, validating that I used to be contributing to one thing greater.
The primary time Mr. Hyde surfaced was once I shared my first movie. After an extended day of press occasions, I shared it on the large display as he and his everlasting wingman modified garments. They reduce it off after the primary scene, claiming they solely wished to substantiate my “blonde hair period” was actual. “Nobody has time for an 80-minute scholar movie.” They laughed as I chuckled off the humiliation. Dr. Jekyll defined later that “artsy conversations” had been only for us. I knew then I’d signed as much as wrangle a posse of clout clowns the place my actual use was to be mined for style, authenticity, and ingenuity.
Over the following 12 months, I poured into temper boards and decks to reinforce Bossman’s initiatives throughout leisure sectors. The extra I helped elevate his model, the much less artistic our conversations turned. Resentment brewed as I morphed right into a one-woman artistic machine—speech enhancing, rap lyric approving, out-styling stylists, onboarding actual artists, setting tones, displaying individuals with cash learn how to spend it. This s**t was working; we had been each rising. Different ladies on his staff even started to rock Jays and braids (my trademark look) to look helpful.
As I gained confidence, my imaginative and prescient outgrew the artist I labored for. I may now not sit there explaining why a homosexual love story will win an Oscar (it did) or have salad tossed at my head for forgetting dressing. Two and a half years in, I’d reached my fork within the highway. We each knew it, and s**t obtained bizarre. The ultimate straw got here throughout a reside radio present recording. With my brother in attendance, Bossman freestyled, dropping bars insinuating that– I BE SUCKING HIS DICK! I didn’t react regardless of the strain choking the room. I simply stood stageside, holding his tea, ready for the evening to finish. Sleep-deprived from touring, I used to be hours from being residence. Mr. Hyde out of the blue modified the present’s run, telling the band to play a music emphasizing ladies’s power (which his musical legacy was constructed on). As they struggled to search out the beat, my brother motioned me outdoors.
“So. what are you going to do?” he requested, handing me a cigarette.
“What do you imply?”
“Did I hear what I believed I heard?”
I shrugged, too embarrassed for eye contact. His darkish, unhappy eyes learn: “I can have some Russians pull up on him.”
“It’s not that deep.”
“Wait. Oh! No! I’ve by no means connected with that man!”
“I didn’t assume so, however no matter he was attempting to get at, it’s very disrespectful.” Working for this dude was now not an possibility.
Within the inexperienced room, the normally rowdy band and crew fell silent upon my entrance. P checked on me, pouring tequila photographs. We downed them, easing again into acquainted banter. Jokes started, however P and I idled in silence. A band member cracked, “If all I’ve to do is juggle balls to get that good insurance coverage, signal me up!” P, the youngest, shut them down with uncommon angle. I escaped whereas everybody closed out, retrieving my bag from Bossman’s truck. He entered simply as I linked with an Uber driver.
“Shannon? Are you okay? The place are you going?”
“Um, residence.”
“Are you okay? Did I do one thing?”
“I don’t know. Did you do one thing?”
“Come on, let’s get within the automotive.”
I shouldn’t have gotten in. I used to be already so drained by the final six months of drama between us that I used to be unfazed by his lame-ass try at public shaming. I had stop for the third time a couple of weeks earlier than the tour kicked off. We are able to blame it on a bunch of surface-level bulls**t, like I solely ready one tea as an alternative of two earlier than he hit the stage, however the fact is my concepts now not served his model and my artistic urge for food had grown exponentially in a brief period of time. I used to be ravenous and able to go. However he nonetheless wanted an assistant, and I nonetheless wanted to pay hire, so we negotiated a peace treaty for the following three months, and up till the freestyle, we had been on our greatest habits, and the tour had been flawless.
Within the suburban’s center row, he requested once more if he’d achieved one thing mistaken. I hissed, “Why THE f**ok would you EVER suggest that I connected with you on stage?! In entrance of all these individuals?” His eyes decrease, and like a mad canine foaming on the mouth, Mr. Hyde loses it. Spit flies into my face as he punches my headrest time and again. Screaming—
“I hate you! I f**king hate you! You’re the worst assistant I’ve EVER had! I’ve by no means had these issues earlier than!” (Righhhht.)
The motive force slows down virtually to a cease, overcome with concern. I burst into tears and instinctively dial P, however this solely enrages Bossman additional, and I drop the cellphone, sobbing inconsolably like I’m six once more as he beats the s**t out of all the pieces within the automotive however me. He jumps out and taunts me. “Oh, please! Cease crying. You’re so pretend!”
He chucks his cellphone on the cease signal and screams obscenities about me being an actor and all the time enjoying sufferer on the prime of his lungs. I crawl to his facet of the automotive, swing the door closed, and lock it. I encourage the driving force to take me residence. He stops about fifty toes forward of Bossman as an alternative. I plead with him to not let him again within the automotive by saying he’ll most likely kill me. The deep concern in his face tells me that though he had been working with Bossman for a couple of decade, tonight he had no thought who this particular person was. Nonetheless, money is king. I don’t pay the driving force’s payments, so he’s prepared to danger having blood on his arms.
The motive force jumps out, urges Bossman to get again in earlier than anybody sees us. As Bossman returns to his rightful place, he screams into his shattered cellphone, on speaker along with his present girlfriend, who asks if I’m okay. The misery in my tone as I proclaim Bossman is having a meltdown prompts him to leap again out of the automotive. I gasp as my door flies open however it’s simply P. She pulls me out and ushers me into her Uber. Discover My Buddies saved my life.
The following day, safely in my mattress, I ignored fifty calls from Bossman’s staff and dialed my Mentor as an alternative. He’s the man in case you want a man in Hollywood, and he has a manner of constructing probably the most extreme conditions appear hilarious. He cackled as I recounted occasions and implored for path.
“That’s straightforward! They owe you a 12 months’s wage.”
“I can’t ask for that! The HBIC (head bitch in cost) retains texting me to fulfill! I can’t discuss to them!”
“Shannon! Put your f**king large lady panties on. You’ll be able to’t keep away from this. Take the assembly, then ship her a follow-up e-mail detailing what y’all mentioned!”
I hung up and crawled beneath my mattress till I may now not keep away from new messages. Bossman and the band had been about to hit the stage for the actual LA live performance. They’d simply left a gathering the place Bossman claimed I’d been antagonizing him from the beginning. He requested anybody who disagreed to go away instantly. Nobody moved. In a room full of girls, all of them stayed and co-signed his narrative.
My anger over this data made me come out from beneath the mattress and put my large lady panties on. On a name with the HBIC, I expressed, “The radio recording had a reside viewers of dozens of white ladies within the entrance row with their digicam telephones out. If simply ONE of them is the feminist they declare to be, they may beat me to it and take Bossman down and us with him.” A few back-and-forths and a fifteen-page NDA later, I acquired my payout. Most of Bossman’s crew are ladies. From that day on, each time I ran into any of them in the actual world, they gave the impression to be conveniently laced with a brand new designer bag (normally equivalent to one of many few I collected throughout my employment). One in all them even boasted about with the ability to pay a 12 months’s hire for her new condominium. In addition they flaunted their title adjustments and promotions on social media, and the one who apprehensive so dearly about her youngster’s training may out of the blue afford an elite non-public college.
Forty-eight hours later, I flew to Paris to place area between myself and the final three years. For 3 months, I traveled worldwide, engaged on scripts and connecting with artists. A brush with sepsis in Germany, whereas COVID-19 shut down the world, introduced me again to LA. I satisfied my producing companion to relocate from Brooklyn to LA so we may proceed creating our initiatives. And that’s what we did all of lockdown. Our residences turned a refuge for artists trying to find their voices. We had sufficient expertise, fashion, style, pleasure, and rage to insulate us from identification politics and the collapsing world. 4 quick movies, three function scripts, and two pilots later, the world reopened.
One afternoon, I acquired an apology textual content from Bossman, breaking the NDA. Clearing the air transitioned into common hangouts. He identified who was reliable, who was a fraud, who wished to f**ok me, and who genuinely liked me—an train to regain my belief. He even vetted my new crew, providing alternatives he’d by no means observe by way of on. A twisted sport, reestablishing that he knew me greatest. One way or the other, Bossman satisfied me that life’s secret was having a child together with your greatest pal. A soulmate. That evening, I used to be his soulmate. The reality is, it was the tip of the world, and I used to be exhausted, so we obtained to f**king.
A month later, I referred to as from the hospital after an evening of an excessive amount of enjoyable on the Hollywood Bowl. I wasn’t dying; I used to be pregnant. I would as nicely have been talking French initially as a result of what he heard was PREPOSTEROUS! So I repeated myself.
“Wha– What! Shannon! I don’t need to have one other child!”
“WHAT THE F**Ok DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID YOU WANTED!”
I used to be disgusted with myself, disgusted that blinding desperation to search out my individuals had clouded my judgment. As Bossman downgraded to a calmer response to elicit a greater final result, I’d already made my determination. After what I’ve been by way of, regardless of how a lot I wished to start out a household, my being pregnant announcement won’t ever be met with shock, indecision, and I-was-just-kiddings.
Months later, when Roe v. Wade was overturned, I used to be overwhelmed with disgrace. My careless actions had led to a process that was now unlawful in 18 states. Feeling consumed by humiliation, I had no possibility however to dedicate all that I had left to my goals. I revised and wrote a number of drafts of this TV present within the hope of shifting previous my disappointment. Nevertheless, the suggestions remained the identical: “How did this have an effect on the principle character? Not the character loosely
primarily based on you, however the man. How does he really feel about what happens in every scene?”— Apparently, how my story impacts a person is what individuals care about. Obtained it! It was nauseating to see my very own trauma sensationalized in these conferences—I’m each a sufferer and a perpetrator. For what? An Academy Award? A household? I nonetheless don’t have both!
Once I began this essay, I used to be going to stop this business. However by the point I arrived right here, I spotted storytelling is the one manner I do know to face up for myself. Though the #MeToo motion largely left Black ladies’s experiences in Hollywood alone, the success of TV sequence like Child Reindeer and I Could Destroy You have given me small hope that there’s room for marginalized individuals to share their tales. As we navigate the post-#MeToo period, it’s essential to critically study the tales we inform and the way we inform them. The facility of storytelling can successfully problem the patriarchal regime we’re all struggling beneath if we deal with the basis causes of sexual violence and harassment by way of our narratives and advocate for systemic adjustments. It could presumably be our solely probability at creating a very equitable society.
Lastly, you’re most likely questioning why I haven’t talked about this man’s actual identify. It’s NOT to guard him. It’s NOT as a result of I’m afraid to spend years in courtroom or paying attorneys (I’ve receipts). It’s extra highly effective to channel all this rage, all of the f**kery, all of the unbelievable experiences right into a tv present. So whenever you hear concerning the present, see me on the Emmys, and it’s on display… you then’ll know who He’s. I hope it serves as a cautionary story to encourage youth pursuing goals on this business and anybody who’s skilled one thing related. So to that younger woman who simply purchased a one-way ticket to Hollywood and is happy concerning the subsequent chapter, keep in mind: ears up and eyes open, as a result of to them, you’re simply prey.
Shannon Ousley is a author, director and creator initially from Cleveland, Ohio. Shannon has labored on an array of initiatives — from books to commercials to movies and tv — after discovering the facility of storytelling. She is at present creating her function movie, Foodstamps (primarily based on her memoir Expensive Nikki), with Stephen Love connected to provide. Shannon was lately a finalist on Issa Rae’s Undertaking Greenlight. Her comedy pilot, Like Household, can also be being developed with Rob Weiss and Michael C. Martin connected to provide. Shannon can also be engaged on a documentary/scripted venture about controversial determine Redd Foxx, titled My Good friend Redd. In early 2024, she wrapped manufacturing on her fourth quick movie, How one can Discover Your Voice, starring Lexi Underwood. Shannon produced, wrote and directed the movie.
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